


If I could tell him

by Pillow_girl_fab



Category: Dear Evan Hansen
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2018-12-04 21:52:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11564073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pillow_girl_fab/pseuds/Pillow_girl_fab
Summary: Evan finds himself questioning his sexuality because of Connor, who happens to have had a crush on Evan for the longest time. Things are going great until someone very close to them both commits suicide.





	1. If you have 130 slices of pie, and you give 70,9 to a friend, what do you have?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cameron❤️](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Cameron%E2%9D%A4%EF%B8%8F).



> Sorry for this! It's my first time writing a fic, so it's really bad!!!

If you have 130 slices of pie, and you give 70,9 slices to a friend, what do you have?

“Connor get your butt out of bed!”

“Larry! We've talked about this! You need to try and act nicer towards Connor! Don't you want him to get better?”

“Yes Cynthia, of course I do. Sorry” sighed Larry, clear.t not in the mood for a fight “Connor, please get up, it's time for school”

Connor was lying on his side, trying to block out the voices coming from his doorway. His first day of senior year… great, absolutely perfect. Or, it would be… if he had any friends, or a teacher who hadn't heard about him before they had even met him.

“Connor, you really need to go to school today. It's the first day, a brand new start!” Cynthia encouraged. “Please just get up”

Connor heard his mother's footsteps getting farther away. He sighed and sat up, (insert term for smoking pot). He thought about the past few years of high school, his teacher, his classes, his classmates, his crush.

“Wonderful.” Grumbled Connor, “Super frigging wonderful. Evan is the last thing I wanted to think about this morning”

Connor swung his legs over the side of his bed, throwing his pot in the trash as he got up. If he had to go to school, might as well be for a good reason. He dragged his feet down the stairs and flopped down at the table. Cynthia looked up with a very surprised, yet pleased, look on her face.

“Connor! I wasn't sure if you would end up going to school today!” She looked very taken aback.

“ yeah well… I decided to go, you know. New start” mumbled Connor, staring at his plate

“I'm so proud of you!” Beamed Cynthia

“Hey mom, I'm ready to g- Connor. What's Connor doing here?” Demanded Zoe, glaring at Connor

“He decided to go to school! Isn't that great!” Exclaimed Cynthia, “do you mind driving him to school?”

“Oh yeah. Totally.” Zoe tried to act calm as she walk up the stairs again.

“Well, you should get ready. Don't want to be late!” Beamed Cynthia

Connor got up and walked to his room, trying not to show any excitement. In less than an hour, he would see Evan, the love of his life. He knew it as too much to ask, but he even hoped for some classes with him. Oh God, he thought, waaay too much to ask.

______

“Murphy, Connor” asked the guidance counsellor

“What? Oh, um, yea, right here” stuttered Connor,

Crap. He thought. Crap crap crap. Just what I need now, making fun of myself in front of everyone, the perfect start to a new school year. He was so busy over thinking this, that he didn't hear what the counsellor said next.

“... Alright?” She finished

“Oh, sorry, could you, uhm, repeat that?” Connor could feel his face getting red

“Of course” she smiled. But it wasn't a mean smile, it was an understanding smile. “You can come get your envelope. Inside it is your schedule, locker number and combination and a map. If you need anything else during the year, just come to my office, ok?”

“Yea.” Connor replied, then he realized that that wasn't a very nice answer. Especially when the counsellor had been so understanding. And he was trying to start over. “That sounds great”

________

Connor watched all of his other classmates come in the room. He noticed that all of the other students were making an effort to sit as far away as possible from him. Of course they were, he was the one who always skipped class. He was the one who smoked pot. He was the one who threw a printer at a teacher in second grade. He was a terrible influence.

“Good morning everyone! I'm so glad to have you in my class! We are going to have an amazing year together!” Smiled the teacher “ I'm mrs. Patelle, now I'm going to-”

She looked over in Connors direction and a shadow crossed her face. Connor realized that it was her. He threw the printer at mrs. Patelle and now, he was sitting in her classroom. Her territory. He knew that he was in deep shit.

“Now, I'm going to take attendance.” She looked away, not wanting to cause a scene. “When I call your name, I want to hear one thing about your summer. Alana Beck?”

“Present” answered a short, black haired girl with glasses. “This summer, I spent most of my time volunteering.”

“Lisa Brown?”

“Here”

“Jared Kleinman”

“Whassup”

Mrs. Patelle continued to call out names and the students continued to explain their summer. All of a sudden, a blond hair boy, medium height, wearing a stripped blue and white t-shirt ran in. It was Evan. And he was wearing a cast.

“May I help you?” Asked mrs. Patelle in a concerned voice.

“O-oh. N-n-no uh, um, I, erm, I'm E-Evan Hans-Hansen. Um, I'm, erm, in this c-class. S-sorry, uh, for, um, being late” he stuttered, growing even more red by the moment.

“Oh it's quite alright!” Piped mrs. Patelle. “I'm mrs. Patelle, why don't you find a seat? There's one right next to… erm, Connor”

Connor noticed the tone she used while saying his name. She spat it out, like it was a  
terrible taste. Then he realized that mrs. Patelle had seated Evan next to him! He watched for any sign of disappointment in Evans face as he made his way towards the empty seat on Connor's right. None! If anything, Evan looked relieved.

_____

Connor walked along the hallways, heading for math. So far, the day hadn't been so bad, he had every class with Evan. He was just thinking about where he would sit in the next class, when he saw Evan… with Jared. They were talking and laughing together, Connor thought he heard the words ‘what are you, an acorn?’ He felt a twinge of something completely new. Jealousy. Connor hurried away, not liking this new feeling at all, maybe if he got the picture of them together out of his mind, the jealousy would fade away.

Connor arrived at math and saw that most of the class was already there, including Evan. Jared however, was nowhere to be seen. Connor took the seat next to Evans, hoping that it wasn't to obvious.

“Pip pip everyone!” Exclaimed the teacher, in a somewhat British accent. “I'll be your teacher for the year, I'm positive we're going to have a wonderful time! Now, I'm sure all of you are present, but I'm not going to take attendance. If you don't show up, you miss out, and I assure you, there will be no extra hours, if you miss it, you miss it.”

He looked directly at Connor when he said this last bit. Great, thought Connor, another teacher who's heard of me before they've even met me.

“M-mr? Oh, uh, s-sorry! I'm n-not assuming y-your g-g-gender or, uh, um, a-anything, but, erm, you, uhm, h-havn’t told u-us y-y-your, um, erm, uh, n-name” stuttered a completely red Evan.

“Oh!” Exclaimed the teacher, “quite right! I am Mr. Ashton. And yes, I am male”

Mr. Ashton chuckled as Evan turned even more red. Connor let out a tiny, almost impossible to hear, laugh. Evan looked at Connor in surprise, but looked away almost immediately.

“Well, let's start off with a simple question!” Mr. Ashton continued, “if you have 130 slices of pie and you give 70,9 slices to a friend, what do you have?”

Connor raised his hand and gave a sly look in Evans direction, preparing to make him laugh.

“A-a friend…” Connor wiped a fake tear from under his eye.

The whole class started laughing, including Connor and Evan. The teacher was shocked, but even he was laughing. Within all of the chaos, Connor caught Evans eye and smiled, Evan smiled back. Maybe this year, school wouldn't be so bad.

__________

The final class of the day: debate. And once again, Evan sat next to Connor, and once again, Evan looked super nervous. Except this time, Connor was sure that it wasn't his fault, this time, it was the thought of speaking in front of the entire class.

“Alrightalrightalright!!! Welcometodebateclass! Imsososohappytohaveyouhere wearegoingtobesupergoodfriends!” The teacher took a deep breath “now, let's get down to business!”

She looked at her class list, her eyes looked blurred, they were moving so fast. She looked up at the class and took everyone in, Connor felt as if, just by looking at him, this woman knew all of his secrets. Her eyes found him, and to Connors surprise, she smiled.

“First up… Evan Hansen and Connor Murphy!!!” She beamed, “come on up, come on up, Connor, you'll be for! Evan, you're against! Evan goes first, your subject… school uniforms!!! Aaannnd… go!”

Evan started his opening statement. Even without any time to prepare, Connor thought that Evan did an amazing job, but he could tell that Evan hated every passing moment. Evan finished his opening to a round of applause. Out of nowhere, Connor spoke…

“You've got to stop doing that!”

“Doing what?” Inquired Evan, clearly confused.

“Saying things that make me wanna kiss you,” Connor replied, without thinking about what he was saying.

The room went silent. Evan turned bright red, and suddenly, the room was filled with dog whistles and cheering. Connor was mortified, he fled from the class, and from the school, before he could embarrass himself any further.


	2. Outcast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is exiled for liking Evan. Evan is treated poorly because of this as well. Other stuff happens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thank you so so so so much for your positive comments!!! Ilysm already!

“Heyyy Connor” jeered Jared “how's Evan? Aww, haven't talked to him? To bad! I have, I guess he likes me more than you. Not that surprising when you actually think about it!”

Connor felt a twinge of jealousy, something he had never felt before.   
Connor felt terrible. He knew that it was his fault that Evan was being teased, everything was his fault. He was blamed for everything and now, Evan hated him. And sure enough, Connor saw Evan walking over to Jared’s locker. He saw them laughing over something, Connor's life, probably. Connor decided not to watch anymore, he collected his stuff and started walking to his next class. Of course, he had to walk past Evan and Jared to get to the class. He was almost out of eyesight of the horror scene, when Jared called out to him.

“Hey Connor!” He taunted “love the hair thing, what look are you going for? Michael Jackson?”

Connor glared at Jared, he could see Evan trying to leave without being noticed by anyone. He could also see Jared losing his confidence.

“It's a joke, lighten up dude” Jared tried to recover

“Oh yeah. That's a super funny joke.” Connor practically screamed “I'm laughing. Can't you see? Or am I not laughing hard enough for you”

Jared muttered something under his breath, Connor thought he said “freak”. Then Jared left, leaving Evan behind. Suddenly, all of Connor's anger came out in a blind rage.

“Are you going to laugh now?” Connor turned to Evan. “Go ahead. But I'm not a freak! You're the frigging freak!”

Connor looked at Evan and some of his anger subsided. He felt a twinge of regret, looking at the hurt look on Evans face. He quickly turned and left before this feeling could register on his face.

Connor didn't see Evan for the rest of the day, he assumed that Evan was avoiding him. And for obvious reasons. Connor couldn't wait until he got home.

________

“CONNOR I CAN NOT BELEIVE YOU!!!” Connor had barely made it through the door when he was attacked by Zoe. “EMBARRASSING EVAN LIKE THAT, I NEVER THOUGHT YOU WERE CAPABLE OF THAT!”

Zoe sat down on the couch and glared at Connor.

“Well, aren't you going to say anything?” She demanded

Without saying a word, Connor grabbed his mother's credit card from the counter, and walked out of the house.

 

 


	3. Attempted suicide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor tries to kill himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, sorry for not uploading I don't have a schedule, sooooo. Also, sorry that this chapter is really short, I wrote this at like, 1 this morning, and I didn't feel like writing that much.

Connor sat. He sat and he sat and he sat. He waited for almost an hour before the sun set. He watched, mesmerized by the colours, mixed together. Starting with a deep navy blue, so dark that you would almost think it's a black, but still so rich in colour. Then the blue would become lighter, not really light like a baby blue, but more like a royal blue, the richest of them all. Then a dark red, like a blood stain, dark, rich, beautiful, but also dangerous. These two colours mixed together made an amazing shade of purple. A mix between scarlet and violet. After the red, came a muted orange, not super bright, but still beautiful. Then comes the yellow. The beautiful gold like yellow, the center of it all.   
This scene lasts for what seems like forever, but at the same time, not long enough. Connor gets up to start the long walk back to his shelter, if that's what you want to call it. It did have a roof and four walls, but that's about it. Connor guessed that at one point it was some sort of storage warehouse, the building was fairly big, though empty, and each of Connors footsteps echoed around the room. But in Connors opinion, it felt more like home then a 5 star hotel.   
Connor sat on the dirty floor, and pulled out a small black notebook. In this notebook was a very elaborate suicide plan, he would put this plan into action in exactly one week, that would give him enough time to write a suicide note and complete everything on his bucket list.  
______________  
It's been a week. No one has come for him. There've been no news reports about a missing child. Connor was alone. And Connor was just as good as dead.   
He held the knife up to his wrist, cutting into his flesh slightly. This was, of course, not his ideal way to go, but it was better than living in a world where no one loved him, liked him, or even tolerated him. Even his own parents. Even his own sister. Even Evan.   
Connor cut deeper into his flesh, knowing that Evan, sweet, little, adorable Evan doesn't like him, even as a friend.   
Connor kept cutting, up his arm, starting to cry, then deeper, in that same arm. Over and over until his arm was noting but a bloody mess of torn up flesh. His hands started shaking, as he sobbed. He dropped the knife and put his head in his lap. Wanting to just bleed out and get it over with. He wanted to fucking die more than anything.   
All of a sudden, Connor heard footsteps, than hushed voices. It… it sounded like Alana. The overachiever that made everyone around her feel like shit. But what was she doing here?  
Then there was another voice, kind of high pitched with nerves and with a lot of stuttering. It was Evan. Connor tried to press himself against the wall, to become invisible.   
It didn't work.   
_________________  
“Oh God!” Gasped mrs. Murphy. “Oh my god!”  
They were at the hospital, looking down at Connor, who was now awake, after 9 hours of being unconscious. Evan and Alana had taken him to the nearest hospital as soon as they saw his arm. Now they were saying that Connor was going to be staying for a while. In the psych ward.   
Great.   
“Oh Evan!” She sobbed, “We can't thank you enough for finding him! Connor is just so lucky to have a friend like you!”  
“Oh...um.. actually… actually we're not, erm…” Stuttered Evan   
But before he could finish, mrs. Murphy pulled him into a hug.   
He didn't pull away.   
Or try to explain.   
Evan just started crying because, even if it was Connor, he didn't deserve to die.


End file.
